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Psychonaut Occultus Specialis
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| *Dementation* |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|04:06 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | roflsauce | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my insane giggle fits from the Gnome | ] |
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| A long time on the road of life. |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|06:00 am] |
Hello. It has been some time, hasn't it. Where to start..... well i guess a recap would be good. The last times i wrote in this journal, heartbreaking things were happening in my life. I lost my best friend Joe Butler to cancer. Later, my grandfather also left this life to join the Ancestors. My heart still aches at their loss. It was about that time i withdrew from almost everyone in my life. I couldn't deal with the pain of living and i needed some time to find out who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I lost many of my friends and drove my friends and family from me in self destructive bouts of depression.
during these last couple of years, i was a really angry person. There was so much hate and pain inside me i lashed out at the world when it ventured into my comfortable armor that i had built around myself. then an old friend introduced me to Jennifer Van Der Wal. Jenn i love you so much, thank you for being so patient with me. I know i can but a stubborn ass sometimes, but your loving kindness and compassion saved my life. No matter where you go sister, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jenn taught me to let go of all the burdens and baggage weighing me down. she taught me to be bold and confident again, something i lost years ago in Lansing. She helped me remember that this life im living is a series of choices, and that i had to choose what i was going to do with my life. Together we gathered together many people who were also broken. We found a family in people who were like us from all walks of life. I studied Quechua shamanism, with Gurus, and mystics of all kinds. I learned to shut up and actually listen to the world around me in a way i never had before. I learned that i had a great deal of growing up to do. I'm still in the process of that.
Matti Ikonen, Jenn, my cousin Jenny, Scotto, Jessetron, Oz, Courtney, Adrian, Hill a beans, Wessistopheles, Rory, Rita, Chucka, Mar, TOM TOM and all of you who have been with me on my journey: thank you for being so amazing. My life has evolved because of all of you. I have been a reflection of each and every one of you. Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for challenging me to be a better person.
I am writing again. I am taking up my music. I am gathering for all new adventures in crazy places as they come. I am collecting stories to be told here, and finally i am living my life with joy. Thank you for the magic and the secrets in the hidden places.
~Joe Joe out |
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| Burden--Opeth |
[Aug. 10th, 2008|09:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Opeth--Watershed albumn | ] |
I, once upon a time
Carried a burden inside
I sung a last goodbye
A broken rhyme I had underlined
There's an ocean of sorrow in you
A sorrow in me
I saw movement in their eyes
Thay said I no longer knew the way
I had given up the ghost
A passive mind submit to fear
And the wait for redemption at hand
Waiting to fail
Failing again
If death should take me now
Count my mistakes and let me through
Whisper in my ear
You've taken more than we've received
And the ocean of sorrow is you |
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| Benighted |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|03:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Opeth--Still Life | ] |
Come into this night
Here we'll be gone
So far away
From our weak and crumbling lives
Come into this night
When days are done
Lost and astray
In what's vanished from your eyes
What came and distorted your sight
Saw you benighted by your fright
Come into this night
Your plight alone
Carry your weight
You are flawed as all of us
Come into this night
You only home
It's never too late
To repent, suffer the loss
What came and distorted your sight
Saw you benighted by your fright
What came and distorted your sight
Saw you benighted by your fright
Come into this night
When you're able
To undo your deeds
And atone with your lonely soul
Once you're into this night
All minds are stable
Forget all your needs
Lose the grip of all control |
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| ..... |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|02:59 pm] |
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For some reason, im still alive.... |
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| apathy |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|07:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
Have you ever seen the movie Joe Vs. the Volcano? I feel like Tom Hanks in that movie. I feel like my life has ground to a screeching halt. The flourescent lights and the confined spaces are slowly driving me mad.
I'm tired of pretending everything is alright. I miss my grandfather and my best friend. I feel like two huge peices of me were torn out and now my bleeding heart will never heal.
one day, one step at a time. I'm making the motions of living without any feeling behind them. My relationship with my parents has never been better. I don't have the strength and the anger to rebel anymore. After so many years of pushing against it, i AM just like my father, and im damn proud of that. He's a good man, and i will cut anyone who says otherwise.
I'm going to be 28 on Sunday. How is that possible. Its all gone so fast. I feel like the world passed me by while i was learning who i really am. I feel like im too far behind the game to ever catch up.
I feel empty. |
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| Fugue |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|09:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My own Psychosis | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | FUGUE | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Soldier of Fortune--Opeth | ] |
I'm still alive.
I'm not the same person any of you knew.
For those of you who are sick and suffering, my love and prayers to you.
For those of you who are beating the daily bullshit, you have my respect.
For those of you i have wronged in the last several years, my honest repentence.
For those of you who believed in me, thank you. Your love has given me the strength i need to survive and grow.
I don't know exactly what I'm doing, what i believe, or where I'm going. I'm on auto pilot. I'm drugged on dreaming of something better, and I'm mindlessly droning to getting it done.
I'm waiting for the White Light to come on and tell me its all over. Am I watching a movie??? I feel all fuzzy around the edges. When is anything gonna make sense again? |
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| The Calm after the Storm |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|08:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | In Remembrance---Evergrey--Monday Morning Apocalypse | ] |
Its been a hard month. I never thought i would be sitting here on my grandpa's birthday and not be celebrating with him. I miss him intensely. I have been making alot of changes in my life. Old friends, old modes of thought, old beliefs have been cut away for survival. I have been living the life of a hermit as of late, because the isolation and solitude are necessary for me to focus on the path ahead. Depression has been at its worst lately, but the sun is finally starting to break through the grey once again. I have been praying, and meditating. For all of those who were there for me, thank you. For all of those who were supporting my family through the recent events, i owe you a debt of gratitude.
I am moving into a new era of my life, hopefully a much happier one. My love and prayers for all of you. I leave you with my tribute to my Grandpa and Joe Butler. The song is In Remembrance by Evergrey. Check out the new albumn.
I remember your voice and your dreams
Your smile when you laughed
And your pain when you screamed
I'll follow your footsteps let them be my guide
Can you save me from being myself?
It's hard to be strong when you're stuck in a shell
If you don't desert me I won't let down
In remembrance
Of all the things you used to do
In remembrance
Of all the faith I had in you
In remembrance
And when I walk, I walk for you
In remembrance of you
I remember when we used to run
Against any threat united as one
We faced all our fears
And we chased all the clouds blocking the sun
And through the haze my sorrow created
I heard your voice and the promise you stated
And I...
Won't let you down
In remembrance
Of all the things you used to do
In remembrance
Of all the faith I had in you
In remembrance
And when I walk, I walk for you
In remembrance of you
Cause I never saw you deserted
Or you never spoke so I heard it
Cause I would never let you down
Did you call me and I didn't listen?
Did I force you to make a decision?
Did I?
In remembrance
Of all the days we planned
And all the things we said we'd do
In remembrance
Of all the times we had
And the fate I shared with you
In remembrance
You'll always be my truth
Cause what I know I've learned from you
In remembrance of you
Of all the things you used to do
And all the faith I had in you
Cause when I walk, I walk for you
In remembrance of you |
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| The Red Griffon has flown home |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|10:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Evergrey--In Remembrance | ] |
Last night at about 7 p.m. my grandfather Joseph Michael Ryan passed from this earth. He is in heaven with my grandmother and Joe Butler now. He fought long and hard to get better. In the end we prayed for merciful release from his suffering and that God's will be done.
Its hard for me to write this now through my tears. I loved that man so much. He taught me what it means to be a man. He taught me goodness, discipline, and knowledge. There are few men on earth who i believe deserve the reward of heaven, and my grandfather is one of them.
I don'thave details about the viewing and funeral yet, but when i know them i will post them.
I need to go lay down, life hurts too much right now. |
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| Please pray for my grandpa |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|11:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Burden is Mine Alone-- Green Carnation; Accoustic Verses | ] |
Things have been pretty nuts lately. My grandfather, Joseph Micheal Ryan(for whom i was named) has been very sick. He has a very large blood clot in the upper chambers of his heart. His heart itself is between 10 and 20 function. He has a staph infection from the jackass who put his cathater in.( i know i prolly misspelled that fuckin blow me) He's not doin good. My family is hurtin right now folks. I have been doing eveything i can to support them and keep them strong and hopeful. Its hard, because it really fucks me up emotionally to see my grandpa like that. He has always been the strong hardass Irish patriarch of my family, keeping us all in line and and showing us by example how to live the right way. Seing him hooked up to all those machines is frightening. My dad is not dealing well. He's tired and scared. I have been doing everything i can to help him out and keep him from cracking under preassure. This is pretty much what i've been doing for the last month or two.
All of you, please pray for my grandpa. He needs it. Prayers can move mountains.
Other than that i have been going through an extended Dark Night of the Soul. Events that have passed have made me harder and stronger, and i can feel myself changing. I will see you on the other side. Im doing my best to be the man my fmaily raised me to be and put away all the childish bullshit and immaturity. My grandfather taught me to be a good man, and i won't let him down.
In the journey of the Maze of Life, never forget to go farther then you ever thought was possible.
~Your Very Own Deigo |
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| Just so that everyone knows.... |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|10:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  infuriated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the sound of Bug Spray | ] |
IM NOT GAY. thank you very much. However i will be going to jail the next time someone fucks with my livejournal.... you know why?
Im going to commit bloodbath murder. |
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| Merry Yule one and all |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|06:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dream Theatre---Octavarium | ] |
On this day i send my prayers and wishes to all the world. To each and every person for tolerance, faith, prosperity, and goodwill.
Merry Yule to the World.
I praise the Seed of Light that awakens the soul of nature.
Welcome Back Godchild. |
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| Stabbing The Drama |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|06:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SoilWork-----Stabbing the Drama Albumn | ] |
My declaration hurts, just wanna stab it right now!
Congratulations, you've found yourself
Been preaching too many times to an hysterical mind
So won't you fucking behave yourself..
-It's all in there, without despair
So you've saved your soul?
-It always depends who will deliver
Have you ever known
Such a beautiful mind that gives you shelter
I'm waiting for something to show,
I might as well...
-Just drag me down so low
I'm down the drain and I've got nothing to fear
With a polluted mind
I had my share of losing
-Don't you ever cross that line
So you've saved your soul?
-It always depends who will deliver
Have you ever known
Such a beautiful mind that gives you shelter
Break the record, in a second, cherish your mental weapons
Watch the progress from an aspect that's stabbing the drama inside..
I'm waiting for something to show,
I might as well...
-Just drag me down so low
I'm waiting for something to show,
My punishment
For being down so low
I can't believe how it used to be,
Selfish minds were abusing me
Self pity and determined to crawl
Manipulation of a merciful soul
[Solo: Frenning]
I'm waiting for something to show,
I might as well...
-Just drag me down so low
I'm waiting for something to show,
My punishment
For being down so low |
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| Angels Don't Kill |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|09:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Children of Bodom---Hate Crew Deathroll | ] |
I hear the first sets going by
Watching myself slowly die
Sharp is the pain leadin' through my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
What if you're an angel fallen from grace?
Yes, the fist that I hate
Pick me up from the gutter with a gentle kiss
The rips from my heart is showing me, how black it is!
No
You're no good!
It feels so cold
Yeah, I'm watching by
I'll die alone!
I hear the first sets walking by
Watching myself slowly die
Sharpening pain leadin' through my heart
Slowly tearing me apart
When you appear, as an angel
looking me down, looking my way
Could you ever kill the pain in my heart?
Even though they say angels don't kill
No
You're no good!
It feels so cold
Yeah, I'm watching by
I'll die alone
No
You're no good!
It feels so cold
Yeah, I'm watching by
I'll die alone!!
------Psychonaut Deus |
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| So I return |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|07:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Green Carnation--The Quiet Offspring | ] |
What's up people??? I haven't talked to you or seen ya'll in a while. I have been busy battling with the evil that is our legal system. Moral of the story: if you're going to do something illegal, DON'T GET CAUGHT!!! Isn't bureaucracy a bitch???
Ok, besides that i have been vision questing and pulling my life together, little by little. Bug has been working more on my tattoo!!! =0) I have been listening to and playing a good deal of music lately. Teaching myself guitar is coming along nicely. The music is giving me something to focus on. 'Tis Good =0Þ
I have not been keeping up with my crazy adventures as of late. I have been pretty much been keeping a low profile, and playing with the Kitties. I need to get a new charger for my digital cam and put some pictures up. I have lost ALOT of weight. =0)
Well take care all,
Don't let Crazyland get to you
Griff |
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| ...... |
[Oct. 15th, 2005|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Twiztid--The Green Book | ] |
Yeah, so myspace.com is down again. wow.
Burning a whole bunch of Twiztid cds. Even more fun.
Going to the Twiztid concert tomorrow with Oz and Chris. Kickass. Something to be excited about. They both are. =0)
Need to start the fucking ball rolling on monday. Need to stop being a wuss ball and get on with life. Boredom is what happens when life has passed you by. The kind that makes you want to lobotomize yourself with a mini flat head screwdriver.
Have a nice day in Crazyland. |
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| Wow |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|05:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The voices in my head. | ] |
I just went to my myspace, *which is GriffonisRex too* and the website is down for updating. LoL, wow.
I have no life. *sigh*
So what's up out there in crazyland people? |
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| Big Update |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|09:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Archenemy | ] |
Alright its been a while since i have even bothered updating this journal.
For those interested i was sentenced to a year of probation for my charge. It's cool, it gives me a year to get my shit together and clean my life up. So for all of you assholes sneering and laughing at me, come get some. You know who you are.
I have put together a World of Darkness game for Detroit. It's called Motor City Madness. Current game is Mage but I'm stepping it up for all three. Hope to submit my work to White Wolf to be published eventually. Current players are myself, Oz, Rory, and Drez. Its fuckin cool.
Reading, studying, and working out are the current status quo.
More later. |
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| an update of sorts |
[Jul. 22nd, 2005|08:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hustle and Flow soundtrack | ] |
Things have been kind of crazy lately. I bought a couple of new albumns, been working on learning some new languages, been doing alot of vision questing and deep meditation. I have reached this tenuous peace inside myself. Teaching myself to play guitar. Read Catch 22, great book. I still seem to be looking for something, hell if a i know what it is though. Maybe its a piece of mind. Maybe its enlightenment. Who the hell knows. All i know is this: Life passes you by if you wait too long. |
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